The Hidden Cost of Unforgiveness

 

“He betrayed my trust, he stabbed me in the back and broke me. I can never forgive him.” 

This is a statement many people make in their minds and stick to it. They harbour an angry heart, a heart of unforgiveness and move around with it every day. 

But how does unforgiveness play out? Does it in any way help the individual who was aggrieved? To answer this question, I would like to share with you this story about my friend.

I had this friend who was badly offended by another friend. She got very angry and vowed she would never forgive her. 

But there lies a problem: Whenever she sees her, the whole incident replays in her head. This gets her blood boiling any time she comes in contact with her. 

At one time, there was this celebration which they both attended. When my friend looked around and saw the girl, she became restless. It got to the extent she couldn’t even eat well at the event.

While my friend was wallowing in pain and hurt, her friend who offended her was living like nothing happened. In her mind, everything was fine. She never knew my friend was going through grudges over her. But my friend was killing herself, and locking herself in a cage. You can see that unforgiveness never helped my friend, but rather, it harmed her.

How Unforgiveness Affects Your Life

● Unforgiveness Cages You

As seen from the story I told about my friend, imagine a situation where you are having a happy moment and suddenly, you see someone, and your heart flips and your joy disappears just because you have grudges against her over something she did that aggrieved you. Such is not freedom but bondage. 

You are living almost the same life as people who engage in dubious and criminal activities and are always vigilant. Their hearts are not always at peace whenever they are in public spaces because of the fear of not being caught by the police or other law enforcement agencies.

Unforgiveness keeps you caged around that individual who offended you. It deprives your mind and soul of the peace it deserves.

● Unforgiveness Ruins Your

    Relationship 

Many people have lost very good friends because of unforgiveness. Your friend offends you and you harbour the offense in your heart. Out of anger, you try to avoid him. He calls you on phone and you refuse to pick, or you pick and answer with a tone that depicts avoidance.

This leaves a crack on the relationship and eventually damages it. Your friend may not even know that you avoided him because he offended you; he may come to the conclusion that you are avoiding him because you don't want him on your side any longer. The friendship crashes and you lose that friend.

● Unforgiveness Affects Your

   Mental  and Physical Health 

When you refuse to forgive an offense, it negatively impacts your mental and physical health. Mentally, your brain keeps repeating and replaying the hurtful moments. This distorts your cognitive process and interrupts your daily activities.

Physically, you feel exhausted and unable to get rest. You go through sleepless nights. This affects your overall health. It raises your blood pressure and your skin looks rough and stretched.

● Unforgiveness Gives the Wrong               

   Impression 

Most people assume in their mind that when they don't forgive and are in grief, the person who hurt them would find out and be in pain. But this is not true. Not forgiving does not put the person in pain; rather, it puts you in pain.

You may try to frown your face always around him to push him into noticing that he hurt you and eventually be in pain. But it doesn't happen. The person keeps having fun while you remain in pain.

● Unforgiveness Disconnects

    You From God

Ephesians 4:32 says, 

"Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you"

When you refuse to forgive, you disconnect yourself from God. God requires you to forgive others as He forgave you. We are all sinners; we have all offended one another in one way or the other. We have all offended God. Because of that, His son Jesus was crucified on the cross.

You need to forgive others of all their trespasses against you. This helps you create a good relationship with God. He listens and attends to your needs anytime you pray.

Forgiveness That Requires Apology 

One of the ways to easily forgive an offense is to talk to the person who offended you about his action. Tell him you don't like his words or actions that aggrieved you. This way, the individual becomes aware of the consequences of his actions or words. He tells you sorry. This sorry melts your heart and you forgive immediately.

But most times, people don't like to do this. They feel like telling the person they were aggrieved by his actions would portray them as emotionally weak. As a result, they allow the grudges to saturate their hearts. They convince themselves that the grudges would disappear with time. 

While this is true, grievances heal with time, but it is not always the case. Some can linger for a very long time and this type that usually lingers for a long time requires you to go speak to the individual.

So, it's not a weakness when you speak to the person who offended you. Rather, it is strength. Speaking to a person about the wrong thing he did to you is strength, not weakness at all. People only misunderstand that. 

Make up a decision to go to that person that hurt you, follow up the decision by taking the action. When you do that, you will see how fast your heart will forgive him.

Why You May Struggle to Forgive 

Most people find it difficult to forgive, not because they don't want to forgive, but because they have not even forgiven themselves. In order for you to be able to forgive others, you need to have peace and feel good within yourself. 

Forgive yourself for questioning your worth. Forgive yourself for being so mean to yourself. Forgive yourself of all past mistakes.This will give you the calm and mental clarity needed to forgive others.

I want to tell you this about life. If you truly want to succeed, both hurtful and joyful experiences are going to come your way. They help you gain the stamina to stand strong in life.

When people get hurt, it feels like the world has come to an end. But the truth is that it’s just life teaching you a valuable lesson. Instead of marinating in hurt, pick up lessons from what happened and move on to the next phase. When you do this, you shift from being a victim to becoming an empowered individual. 

Another way forgiveness impacts your life is that it helps you make healthier relationships. Because you don't have any grudges in you, you make your friends based on how valuable they can be to you and not based on emotional demands. This helps you make genuine connections and authentic relationships. 

He keeps offending me, how often should I forgive ? 

This is one question many people ask. This question is very important because some people are so hurtful. The more you forgive them, the more they offend you. Should you continue to forgive endlessly? Jesus was asked this same question by Peter in Matthew 18:21-22 and He replied Peter saying: "Until seventy times seven." This means we are to forgive endlessly without a limit.

But we are humans, we all have our breaking points. You can get tired of forgiving when the forgiveness is being taken for granted. When a person does not regard your forgiveness, it is recommended you give the person a gap even if he's your friend. If he is truly your friend, he would not be offending you all the time. This is not against the scripture. You don’t have any grudges against him, you are simply trying to protect your peace.

Limit how often you talk and stay with him. When you don’t talk with him and see him less often, there will be lower chances of him offending you. He may be very important to you, but you also have to consider your mental health. You may not have to leave him entirely, but give him a gap.

I urge you to forgive every grievance today and you will see your life grow and thrive beyond where you currently are. Drop all anger and resentment, and you will see peace fill up your heart