True Self-Love Is Almost Unattainable For Humans

 

We’ve been told that true self-love is loving ourselves unconditionally regardless of what people say, being confident and secure in ourselves, never comparing ourselves to others, completely accepting ourselves even with our flaws, saying no when it feels uncomfortable and radiating peace at all times. They are right, but they forgot one thing: we are humans, not robots programmed to carry out tasks as they are given. 

As humans, perfection is behind us; imperfection is what shapes us. They want us to be confident and never compare ourselves to others, very well. But what happens when self-doubt comes knocking on our doors? What happens when saying no feels like a do-or-die affair? What happens when the flaws we are told to accept become a sour point for us? What do we do? Bend ourselves to standards while we die inside? 

Their definition sounds nice, but it’s far-fetched. Real self-love is messy, inconsistent and very human. The idea of perfect and flawless self-love is a fantasy, and fantasies don’t work well in reality. So let’s rewind. 

Why Perfect Self-Love Is a Lie

We’ve been preached to, we’ve read and even heard about loving yourself unconditionally, which is very great. But these books, podcasts, or people that talk about self-love, make it seem like you must always be happy and confident with yourself. They forget the most human truth — our emotions are inconsistent. You can be feeling all nice and confident today, and tomorrow all of a sudden you start to question that confidence. Some of these talks about self-love will even put it to you that you’re not allowed to feel a moment of doubt, and whenever you do doubt yourself, you don’t love yourself enough. Lies I must say. What about our human selves? Things like this only make us feel more and more like failures, making self-love unreachable. 

Let’s take a plus-size person for example. For many, their weight is always a target, not because there’s something wrong with it, but because society sees it as something that needs to be fixed. The constant jests and jokes, the scornful glances and exclusions plant seeds of shame and insecurity in them, until all confidence fades away, leaving behind emptiness and feelings of failure. Being overweight is treated like a stigma and the human mind is great at taking and storing information, which makes it hard to ‘always’ stay confident even in difficult situations. I once entered a tricycle with a plus-sized lady. Before I got onto the tricycle, every other passenger refused to board the tricycle, the other passengers stayed in front, and a woman even eyed the driver when he asked for her destination. All these happened because there was a plus-sized lady in the vehicle. When I got into the tricycle, she kept adjusting her body, as though apologizing for taking up space. And in that moment, I realized how deeply the world has taught her to shrink. That day, something shifted in me, her discomfort, the way she kept adjusting, and almost apologizing for just existing stayed with me. It’s what moved me to write this. Now, with all these treatments, it’s hard to say if always being confident will be the ideal thing for her.  

But here’s the truth we hardly say out loud — her lack of confidence doesn’t mean she doesn’t love herself, she does. And that’s the lie we need to stop telling, that self-love needs to be loud, constant or polished to be real. So why keep selling a version of self-love that ignores the very nature of being human? 

If you’ve ever struggled to hold your head up while carrying the weight of society's opinions, you’re not failing at self-love. You’re practicing it in the purest form.

What Real Self-Love Looks Like

Imperfection doesn’t mean you lack self-love. Feelings of doubt or lack of confidence also don't mean you lack self-love. Rather, self-love is staying with yourself even when it feels hard, messy or uncomfortable. It is showing up for yourself even when you don’t feel great. Self-love isn’t something you achieve, it’s something you practice. It isn’t a test you pass or a level you need to reach. You grow into it, not in it, or for it. Self-love is doing something anyway, no matter how hard the doubt may be. 

If you wish to apply for a job but you’re unsure of yourself or are in doubt, self-love is going ahead to do it for yourself regardless of the doubt. Sometimes self-love looks like setting boundaries. It is saying no when you need to, or because it feels uncomfortable, and not chasing people to explain it. Other times it looks like rebellion. It is wearing those clothes because it fits, not because of what people would say. It is learning how to adjust to your differences and difficulties, because life is a journey, a process, you don’t need to rush through it, rather take it easy. You’re allowed to be human, but not letting doubt or fear disrupt your progress and growth, is what makes you a better human. Self-love is cancelling plans because you value your peace, and wish to unapologetically protect your energy. 

Self-love is choosing you. It isn’t hiding because of shame or adjusting your life to meet societal standards, it is letting yourself exist without apology, and walking with your shoulders held high, because you owe no one an explanation for being you. When doubt kicks in and echoes of the opinions of the world fill your mind, breathe, it’s all part of the process. Self-love is calling yourself to order when you misstep. It is forgiving your mistakes and working towards never repeating them. It is gently unlearning what the world has taught you to hate. 

Real self-love is choosing yourself, especially when you don’t feel worthy, because your humanity is not a flaw that needs to be fixed but a story to live.

Grow, Don’t Fix Yourself

We grow from mistakes, we grow from imperfections, we grow from lessons. True self-love is treating mistakes, flaws and imperfections as a growth process. True self-love is treating yourself with compassion. You need to learn to grow with these imperfections and flaws because that’s the only way you can be truly open to growth or change. When you fully accept that you’re imperfect and that every other person is as imperfect as you, but in different ways, you open up your heart to love yourself in the best way possible. 

How do you open up your heart to unlock true self-love? 

You need to let go of harsh standards. You are beautifully made by God, so why listen to the words of people who are as imperfect as you are? It’s okay not to be as productive as others, we all move at our own pace. Some of us battle with being confident, maybe because of fear or other factors. But I will tell you this for free, you owe no one a dime. When that feeling of incompleteness or shyness comes back, repeat this to yourself, “I owe no one, we are all the same and everyone exists just as I am.” This would work wonders for you. You need to start seeing yourself as a garden, not a field everyone can play on. You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love, you just need to be real. And being real? That’s already enough.